My story on how swimming saved me while going through trauma in my life.
November 1, 2016, I remember this day vividly. This day was the biggest shift in my life so far and a change that I thought I would never have to experience. I lived with a belief that once you were married that it was for life. Deep down inside, I knew this day was going to happen though. There was no personal connection, no passion, and so much distance. This was the day I had to let things go, and my marriage of 12 years ended.
My trauma and personal loss were scary. I felt lost and alone, like the world was crashing down on me. I did not know what direction to go in or how I will keep moving forward. But eventually, I did. One step at a time the healing process began.
I still remember to this day when I told my mum that my marriage had ended. I was in the parking lot of Elevation Place, scared, alone, angry, feeling exposed, no one to hug, and the tears just flowed when i heard my mums voice. My mum got on a plane within the next 24 hours. Not only had my marriage ended due to loss of connection, but it was also a result of the man I was married to for 12 years was unfaithful.
I had to find some piece of me that I could grasp on to and believe in. Something I knew I loved, I could connect to, and was my place to just be me, and start the process of healing. For me, it was swimming and swim coaching.
Swimming takes me to a place of peace, a place where only I could feel the tears under the water. The pool was a stable place that felt secure, and no one completely knew what I was going through. It was my safe place. I ran and grew my swim squad there. I got to see and support these amazing athletes from the pool deck, watch them grow, see them happy, and also witness some of them go through their own motions in life.
Swimming has been and still is my place to let go of the heavy armour, it is just you the water, swimsuit and swim equipment. I feel that many people that show up to the pool have a story, a struggle, that it is not just their time to work out, but also for their mental health too.
As years went by, I knew I needed to deal with the defenses that I was carrying around on my shoulders. Swimming was great, and I would never stop swimming, but I had to find an outlet to remove the armour to avoid coming back to the same triggers, emotions, and daily anxiety I was having.
I reached out for the help I needed and found love along the way, true love, only in the next town. When you can find that one person that you can say anything to and be vulnerable to, who is your best friend, and they can share their heart also, they are a keeper.
For many years I was a triathlete. I loved this sport and reached many amazing goals that I am so proud of. But there came a time in my life where I had to stop and think…. Was the triathlon still serving the same purpose for me?
A friend once told me that the sport she was doing was covering up what she really needed to deal with, her hurt, her losses, feeling alone, and she was avoiding what truly needed to be dealt with. Her sport was no longer serving her, and she had the courage to drop her armour and gently move through her emotions and be seen and heard. I can say that I was not in the right spot to put this advice into action since I was not there yet, but I eventually did.
This is not to say that at times in my present life I do wear some armour. It serves its purpose to protect my heart from situations that are beyond my reach, and this is only after being vulnerable and putting myself out there. Sometimes you just must let go, to be able to heal.
This has stuck with me even though I loved Triathlon, there came a point where I was using this as a cover up to deal with all the shit I really needed to deal with. And if I did not, then I would never be able to move through the past trauma in my life. This is when I started to gently remove my armour. I stopped triathlon coaching and racing triathlons completely, as this was no longer serving me at that point in my life, maybe down the road. Family, friends, endurance swimming, Swim Coaching & Life Coaching is what is fueling me in my present life.
I continued to coach swimming and have committed to endurance swimming. I want to tap into my full potential as an endurance athlete in swimming. I have also removed my armour and have confronted my past. I have a passion for coaching, and it shows in my methods and for those that I help each day.
I was able to forgive my past, forgive my ex-husband, and move forward into the life I want to live, to feel alive! I want to help Men 35+ out in the world that are going through the same struggles that I did. So, you too can have someone to open up to, drop your armour, and feel alive!
Go with a brave heart & bold vibe,
Coach Sarah Freeman
